A Wack Week for Celebrity Chefs! Paula Deen, Mario Batali & Jamie Oliver: The New Three Stooges!

I know celebrities usually kick the bucket in threes but what's the dilly with celebrity chefs getting into hot water as a trio?

I'm fat with a P-H, beeyatch!!

Jamie Oliver ― normally a decent chap famous for his cheeky, energetic cookery shows, restaurant empire, charities for disadvantaged youth and his crusade against fatty fat foods as offered in extra-large civilizations like the U.S., e.g., Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution ― was a bit miffed when a reporter called him out on his super-sized physique as of late. To which he responded, "I don't know. I am very healthy. I think the last time I had a filling in my teeth, which was quite recently, I was in good nick. But really, I am not really sure," Oliver said. "Are you from a tabloid? Thank you for noticing, you bitch." Well, hey, at least he didn't go into Limbaugh language. Methinks Jamie should lay off the fish n' chips at the fry shop and go for the lunge n' dips at the gym or he may start looking like John Goodman more than he already does.

Paula Deen's Birth of a Fast Food Nation.

Then there's the polar opposite of the Jamie Oliver Food Revolution, Paula Deen, the Queen of Lard & Butter Cuisine and Empress of type 2 diabetes. Yes, y'all, Ms. Deen got herself in a vat of hot grease this week with a lawsuit from Lisa T. Jackson, a former employee, who is suing Deen and her brother "Bubba" for sexual harassment and racism. Bubba is the one accused of sexual harassment with behavior ranging from displaying pornography to forcibly kissing Lisa T. (Ms. Jackson if you're nasty!). He is also accused of using racial epithets.

As far as accusations against Deen herself, well, according to the lawsuit, Deen pined for a "true southern plantation-style wedding" and, using the epithet, suggested African-Americans that would "wear long-sleeve white shirts, black shorts and black bow ties, you know in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around... Now that would be a true southern wedding, wouldn’t it? But we can’t do that because the media would be on me about that." Um, DUH! You mean like the media is all over you now??!!

Didn't Paula Deen see The Help??? That movie was practically a how-to guide on how uppity, white, redneck women should not be treating their "help" like they're in a Shirley Temple movie! Damn, woman, all that lard and butter is clogging the arteries to your brain!!

The Mario Batali Gratuity is 5.25 million%!

Saving the best for last, we have Mario Batali. By now, he's one of the elder statesman of the celeb chef world. He's been with the Food Network since forever. He's one of the most successful and probably wealthiest celebrity chefs around with countless books and t.v. shows under his sizable chef's coat. He even appears with the paltry Gwyneth Paltrow on a PBS travel show called Spain on the Road Again.

You'd think with all that success and money he wouldn't be siphoning a portion of his employees' hard-earned tips for his and his crony Joseph Bastianich's overflowing coffers. In addition, Batali and crony were accused of not paying the minimum wage or overtime to their many employees. Batali has agreed to a $5.25 million settlement for the approximately 1,100 workers. Mama mia! That's a lot of headcheese and a big headache for Batali and Bastianich.

The irony here is that, back in November, Batali gave Wall St. a big beeyatch slap by comparing bankers to Stalin and Hitler because of how wealth has been wrongly redistributed. That's like the Mario Batali™ pot calling the Mario Batali™ kettle black (available at Crate&Barrel).

I suppose it's too late to cast Jamie Oliver, Paula Deen and Mario Batali as the new Three Stooges. Now I'd watch that!


ArtsBeatLA said…
HIL-arious, Eddie! Shame on all of them LOL.
Anonymous said…
Well done, Lin!
Amy said…
This is so hilarious. Great writing style! Also, I read your article in the LAWeekly on Plan Check. Spot on!
Amy said…
This is so hilarious. Great writing style. Also, I read your article in the LAWeekly on Plan Check. Spot on!